It’s Queen week! Queen week plus six arbitrary songs, because two hours of your Wednesday nights are permanently at FOX’s mercy. You know how this is going to go, right? Someone will wood-chip “Bohemian Rhapsody” into pert little pieces and no silhouettos of any man; someone will do “The Show Will Go On” and go on with the show; the remaining members of Queen will show up because they’ve got a detente with Idol for some reason; everyone will love everything, just hug it and squeeze it to pieces, and this will last for two hours. Let’s just get to the rankings. Sigh.
THE HOPELESS: 32-25
32. The Concept Of Producer Favorites, As Interpreted By Everybody: The producers obviously favor Jessica, because they staged a resurrection pageant for her save. The producers obviously favor Skylar, because they want more country winners. The producers obviously favor Joshua, because he got two standing ovations. The producers obviously favor Phillip, because they praise him for The producers obviousy favorited Colton with Phillip, which is why they let him leave. Everybody is being ridiculous about this. Choosing favorites requires choosing unfavorites, which requires negativity, which Idol reserves for mocking auditioners. There probably is a favorite, but you won’t learn who by picking through praise given constantly with random glee. Stans hear only what they want to. Come back when somebody’s stuck with a Happy Feet song, and then you’ll have an argument.
31. This Quote: “The bigger the cushion, the bigger the cushion.” Guess. Hint 1: It’s not Hollie Cavanaugh. Hint 2: It is Steven Tyler.
30. This Criticism: “It wasn’t like ‘OMG’ but it was good.” –Randy on P.P. If we all scream “SIMON COME BACK” at the same time, maybe he’d listen to us? We won’t know if we don’t try!!
29. “They’ve Gotta Have It”: Spike Lee better be getting royalties at this point. Or Cold Stone Creamery.
28. Randy’s “YO” Pin: We hope Idol provides J. Lo with a “Goosies” pin and Steven with an “Inappropriate Cliche” pin.
27. This Quote: “Our first-ever Liverpool-Texas fusion.” You mean, like a robot? It’s bloody alive, y’all!
26. Jennifer Lopez: This is my favorite thing I’ve read about “Dance Again”: “I find it charming how much the chorus sounds like Jennifer is making it up as she’s going along, trying to answer a question and running out of ideas: ‘Dance! Love! Er… I give up… ooh! Dance again!’” This also applies to her Idol critiques. Except I don’t find them charming anymore.
25. Phillip Phillips: Sang “Fat-Bottomed Girls” uncomfortably, as if it’d only dawned on him mid-verse what he was singing about, like maybe some hypothetical frat brothers of his told him before the show that if he didn’t sing “Fat-Bottomed Girls” they’d make him eat a vodka-gasoline omelet, but they’d throw an extra egg in for every time he squinched his face like Dave Matthews or patted his own butt (1:32 on). He also sang Dave Matthews–specifically, an obscure, violin-and-toking album cut–passably, as if taking the piss, like maybe he noticed the violinist music major had more girls coming out of his dorm room than his. Have you noticed a pattern here? You’ve also noticed Phillip’s whole identity. It’s not one I particularly care for, and it’s not one we need more of.
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